I closed my Bible, switched off the light and cried.
The fact that Nehemiah’s donkey couldn’t make it up the rubble of the ruined city walls wasn’t what moved me to tears (albeit Biblical), what caused me to cry was indeed the title of a Drake song I’ve never actually heard (my cousin Tumi would be disappointed).
It dawned on me that three months after moving to Dubai, I hadn’t made as much social-life progress as I would have liked. You see this move is the most different from the other times I’ve lived abroad, because there had been a time limit and each came with additional people to ‘share’ my experiences with – that’s what we had in common that’s what brought us together so quickly to form the friendships we had. But this time around, I came alone. I found myself
wailing crying because in this whole ‘thing’ I miss my family the most. I miss the noise and laughter that comes with having two younger brothers with whom I watch reruns of My Wife and Kids, a dad whose other office is the piano in the living room and a mum who’d be happy to share with me her latest Kindle find or the latest update about YouTuber, Patricia Bright. *pause* 🤔
I miss having people to say goodnight to.
Time in Dubai hasn’t been bad at all, it’s just been a little lonely at times. I have a close friend here (shout out to Naomi) but our work schedules don’t allow us time to catch up face-to-face frequently, although our whatsapp group stays popping. I really had hoped by now I would have met more people with whom I could ‘do life with’ – and that’s not to say I haven’t met any new people, I have. I meet new people everyday.
One thing I have come to realise though, is that loneliness or being in a place of limited interaction with other people will magnify a lot of things kept buried in one’s heart. For example, I fear to write [for the blog] and plan towards things God has placed on my heart, more now than I did before. I can no longer attribute my procrastination on the responsibilities that come with living at home, and now I’m faced with confronting my fears – ain’t nobody got time for that. When left alone with my thoughts without the interruption of my brother asking “what is there to eat?” the lie that I’m not good enough starts to sound more credible and true. Having your doubts interrupted by an encouraging word is necessary (my brother hinting that I should make something for lunch, tells me I’m needed, that I’m responsible and that I can cook 😉).
With my eyes blurred my mind drifted as to other reasons I was crying and feeling ‘blah’ with myself.
I need more Jesus in my life and I need to get church on time (I can’t wait for small groups to start so I can meet people who want to ‘talk’ Jesus).
I feel more single now than I had been at home…when I was single.*
I miss my friends A LOT! Only a few really appreciate and relate to my sense of humour.
How did Trump get this far? What a mess.
My train stories for the blog are hard to think of let alone write – TFL comes with a good batch of potential characters; the women and children section of the Dubai Metro is kinda restricting (and no you won’t see me in the other sections of the metro by myself because of point below…)
Thinking of why I’m so tense most times I leave my apartment – because I’m a black female. I find myself praying that I won’t be approached by narrow minded men who think I’m here to sell my body (like the guy who sheepishly asked my friend and I if we wanted to go for a swim… the insults I still have for him, his generation past, present and future! As if we resembled Nemo!)… I also don’t want to be
a bitter black woman closed off to the AMAZING experience I can have here, because of this particular fear.
To make the most of this city…I don’t feel like I’ve done much (but who wants to experience anything alone?)
I still need to make this trip to Ikea…(revert to point above to know why I haven’t gone yet).
Will I ever find plantain to buy? I’m craving.**
Money… this one is another stress all together they should kuku charge me a breathing/stay alive security deposit and consumption fee (bills here are as fascinating as the Burj Khalifa – WAAAOOOW! REALLY?).
As much as I cried from a place of loneliness mixed with an array of mismatched-surface-level-scratched-thoughts, I also cried out of thankfulness, a sincere thankfulness that God knows what He is doing with my life (because one of us needs to know the plan – I’d rather Him). I remembered my favourite Psalms, in the midst of my wailing, and I felt somewhat calm, but even knowing the truth in God’s Word, doesn’t take away from the truth found in how I feel. Loneliness is real, and God knows. By being truthful with how I feel, it allows me to want more of God’s truth to be evident in my life and the truth is that everyday of my life has been planned by Him.
I’m not in Dubai by mistake.
So without shedding a tear and sacrificing sleep to write this I’m going to trust God, sleep and listen to this Drake song when I wake and see if the lyrics actually correlate with this blog, which I highly doubt.***
If you’ve read this to the end, just remember keep me in your prayers, trust God with me and trust God for me and visit me (minimum of one month’s notice required – or if you’re like my aunt who came here a few weeks into my move, a weekend’s notice will have to do).
“God’s way is perfect. All the LORD’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.”
* PUMP YOUR BREAKS – Disclaimer: https://dearlayide.com/2014/11/06/singleness/
** I found plantain – Thank You Jesus!
*** Drake has nothing to do with this post. ✌🏾